Panic Attacks

 

My mama comes home from Germany today and I’m overwhelmed with excitement because I missed her so much. There is nothing in this world that soothes me more than a hug from my mum. We were staying at my parents house last week when we were homeless and I borrowed this woolen jacket from my mum cupboard. It’s so cuddly and warm and it smells like my mum. I felt really down today and it made me feel a bit better, which was nice. 

I remember once when we lived in this awful little shack in Belmont, my mum came up to help us move. I had reached up in to the pantry to grab a box on the top shelf when this HUGE RAT came flying out at me… it landed on my head and then crawled down the back of my shirt. I literally will never forget the way it’s wirey little rope tail slapped the back of my neck as it fell down my back. Even writing this now, I am getting shivers down my spine. It was horrendous. And I’m not even someone that is scared of rodents…. 

Anyway, I had the biggest panic attack I’ve ever had in my entire life. I wasn’t on medication at this point so my anxiety was uncontrollable in this situation. I felt like no matter how much air I breathed in, my lungs wouldn’t fill up with enough oxygen. My whole body froze and I felt paralysed with fear, which I thought was ridiculous because I wasn’t hurt, I was just slightly shocked by the surprise of having a rat jump out at me. I ran around the house screaming and crying for a while until my legs gave way in the lounge room and I was huddled in a ball on the floor, shaking in the fetal position. Ashton is bad in situations like this, so he just sort of stood there like.. your mate? So my mum came over and stood behind me, rested my head on her thighs and wrapped her arms around me and put all her weight on me. It sounds like it would be uncomfortable, but it was like an instant relief. I understand why Temple Grandon made that machine to hug her when she was overwhelmed. 

When I spoke to a therapist about it, he said it most likely was post traumatic stress disorder that had stemmed from when I’d been attacked by a rottweiler the year before. The human mind is an interesting thing. My body went in to full panic mode over something that I would not even class as mildly distressing. Even now, when I describe it to people , they give me that “you are such a drama queen” look… But I share these sentiments. I think it’s incredible the way your brain remembers events and tries to protect your body from danger. 

Anyway. That was random.