Today I have this anxiety weighing down on my chest. It’s so heavy and I can’t seem to shake it. I’ve turned in to one of those people that stress-eat. I used to be the opposite. Those were the good days. I lost almost 5 kilos in the months before my wedding. Ah, memories.
My friend from work bought me a chocolate bar, and even though I swore I’d only have ONE piece, in about 30 seconds I looked at my chocolate covered hands and realised I’d eaten the whole thing without realising. This photo was my face upon that realisation.
Anxiety is the WOOOORRRSSSTTTT. I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything for longer than about 2 minutes, which is awful for me considering I can usually concentrate on things for hours on end without my brain feeling like it’s going to explode. I just want to relax in to my comfy chair and get my work done.. But there is concrete filling up in my chest and it’s making me short of breathe. I know that’s a funny analogy.. but anyone who has suffered anxiety will know what I’m talking about. I feel very uncomfortable in my skin…
The problem with this bloody anxiety is that you don’t know when it’s going to creep up on you. Just before, a song came on and I felt my eyes well up with tears. I think if my mum came home right now and hugged me I would be a big crying baby.
Well, it’s Friday tomorrow and Im looking forward to having a less stressful weekend than the last. So as long as I can get through the next hour and a half, everything will be fine.
OMG. I’ve been retweeted. That’s the correct terminology, right? I’ve never been able to get a hang of this twitter thing… but I forced myself to learn quickly after Womankind magazine told me that they had sent my blog post around the twitter-sphere.
I feel very angry at myself that I didn’t put a lot of effort in to that particular post… yesterday was a busy day at work and I only had a few minutes spare to write my blog for the day.I tagged Womankind in my post on a whim. I never thought that they would actually READ it. I was just doing a bit of free advertising for them..because as a magazine, it is truly everything I’ve ever wanted and more.
This is the type of magazine that I dream of writing for one day. If I could only get off my ass long enough to finish a uni degree it would probably be a much simpler goal. But unfortunately we live in a culture of consumerism and I am driven by the prospect of money and acquiring houses and cars and other things so that I can have “the good life”.
I understand the value of a university degree.. I really do. But I often read magazine and newspaper articles and think “I could so write this better”, and I mentally rewrite them and then forget about it and move on with my life… (Totally lying right now. I still think I’ll submit rewrite of an article about Jen Hawkins I read 2 years ago in Womens Weekly). Sometimes I think the people that graduate from Journalism degrees are just these cookie-cut mould people that all write the EXACT same way about the EXACT same things. I mean, maybe that works for some publications… but whatever.
Anyway, what I’m really trying to say is:
Womankind, thank you for making my day so much better!
So today that Womankind magazine released its first issue. I was really excited about it because it doesn’t have any ads and it is a womens magazine that isn’t about diet tips, make up, fashion or celebrities.
All I can say is, I was not disappointed.
When I had to fork over $15 for the thing, I already felt a little resentful.. because usually when I spend money on womens magazines I finish them feeling empty, and angry that I spent money to feel that way.
This magazine made me see the world in a way I’d never seen it before. It made me feel empowered as a woman- and reminded me of the fact that it’s ok to be more interested in culture, beautiful landscapes and sitting on my ass watching tv for hours RATHER than how to make men want to have sex with me or make other women jealous of me.
The page in the picture was my favourite… It inspired me.. I couldn’t believe how much I didn’t care about how huge my ass was or how oily my skin was after I finished. It’s official. This magazine is the best.
You know that feeling when you wake up for work on Monday after a MASSIVE weekend and you just feel like you’re going to die from exhaustion? and you just kind of roll out of bed and wonder how on earth you’re going summon the strength to provide a reasonable service in exchange for payment??? Well, that was me this morning.
I’ve been yawning non-stop all day, so I decided to capture it to see what I look like. This photo was the result. and I am not impressed. I’m also slightly worried that nobody close to me has warned me that I look like this when I yawn. I feel like it’s not a socially acceptable thing to do in public.Maybe I should share this photo with you all, but after my doctors appointment today I don’t really care.
I’ve gained almost 6 kilos in the past few months… and I finally understand why girls get bullemia and anorexia. Im not even being funny. When the doctor weighed me today I almost fell over from shock. I’d never seen the tiny little arrow go past the 55 mark before. So today, when I watched it tick over to 61 I had a mini heart attack. The little doctor man tried to reassure me: “Oh you no worry. You tall girl. 61 good weight for you”. It didn’t help though. I told him I’d never been over 55 kilos in my life, and that I was genuinely worried. He didn’t speak much english and had next to NO information on womens health.. so he saw me off with a pile of leaflets about anorexia and bullemia, and I walked out clutching them nervously, feeling depressed and really crappy about myself.. but also relieved that I don’t have Polycystic ovary syndrome.
I feel like this is it: the moment I’m going to look back on in 10 years time when I weigh as much as a whale… I’ll think “if only I’d tried harder then”. I feel so awful about myself and I’m so embarrased that I let myself get to this point. I am so aware of the fact that 61kgs is NOT fat or OVERWEIGHT AT ALL!! I’d just like to clarify that. But I have always been someone that never gained weight. I could eat whatever I wanted and still have a nice flat stomach. Maybe I was more active.. I don’t know. All I do know is that I’m freaking the hell out.
I feel like I have been thrown under a semi trailer, dragged for 100 meters and then been thrown in to a pit of broken glass and sharp twigs.
It is officially moving day and all I want to do is crawl back in to bed and sleep forever. I didn’t get to have a shower this morning, so that has added some great intensity to the bodily odors that I am now emitting. I look like a crack addict and I smell like one too.
There’s no words to describe my life today.. so here’s a picture of my head with a nice flower I found at my new house.
So we had a bit of a garage sale today… I really enjoyed setting it all up last night. I wish I had my own shop to decorate. One day if I’m rich I will …
We are moving in to a place literally like one tenth of the size of this place, so we have had to downsize MAJORLY. As I watched these people take all my belongings I felt so empowered… It’s funny how getting rid of stuff just makes you feel LIGHTER. I didn’t realise how much my belongings were weighing me down. What’s the point in hoarding all of this crap around?
I can’t explain the exhaustion that has already kicked in. Catch ya.
It’s moving day 1 out of 3 and I have been up all night with my husband who is deathly ill. He was supposed to go to work today which would have left me home alone (I get most work done when I’m by myself) but now I must spend my day running back and forth between moving chores and caring for Ashy Bear who is burning up like a furnace one minute, and then chillingly cold the next. It’s hard to keep up with and it absolutely breaks my heart to see him so sick.
I packed up a whole heap of my clothes last night and forgot to set aside stuff that I would need this weekend.. so this is the outfit that I came up with. Yes, I put it together myself!!!!! And I also did my own hair! And I’m not even wearing any make up! I know it must be extremely hard for those of you out there that don’t have the same natural beauty as me… but I urge you to just think about things from my point of view. It’s exhausting being this gorgeous ALL THE TIME. When I go outside people always look at me.. it’s terribly nerve racking. And today is obviously no exception… in fact, I think today will only bring MORE attention, especially from men. Just this morning I walked out to my husband who said “You look like a lesbian farmer”. I think that’s a compliment. Obviously.
So I’m running on about 3 hours of broken sleep… and I have about 40 million things to accomplish today as well as caring for my sick husband.
I don’t know how people do this with kids.