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BB

I had this friend in high school that was very organised. I’m not friends with her anymore because she had a very abusive boyfriend that brain washed her completely in to believing that me and the rest of our friends were the crazy ones. Anyway, I miss her a lot because she had a heart of absolute gold and wouldn’t hurt a fly. I’ve never met anyone as selfless and as caring as her.. so I guess in a way, I’m glad that I even knew her at all.

I remember when she moved out with her boyfriend and i looked in her cupboard and she had all of her food in see through zip-lock bags. My OCD reared it’s ugly head and had it’s fix for the week. It was fascinating.

Sometimes I can hear her laugh in my head and I just smile instantly because it was the most contagious and wonderful laugh in the world. It makes me sad that I don’t have her in my life anymore.. because I think we would still have a lot in common and have a great time together.

But sometimes I feel very depressed when I think about her life and the way that people have treated her. They say that the bigger the ego, the higher the fall.. but this wasn’t the case for her. She trusted in everyone so completely and just gave herself to anyone that needed her. She was her own worst enemy, because she never put any walls up to protect herself. She was always getting hurt, getting let down and kicked in the heart. It was like she just accepted that this was her life… and there was nothing to fight for. It still, to this day, makes me feel depressed because I think she deserved so much more than what she always got. If I sat down and thought about it long enough, I could honestly cry. And if you knew this girl the way I did, you would cry too.

She had some terrible things happen to her when she was growing up, so I understand the way she craved acceptance from people, even when they treated her like crap. She gave me one chance to be friends with her again after our huge fight. She walked right up to me, looked me in the eyes and said “I still love you”. And I didn’t say it back. All I had to do was open my stupid mouth and say I was sorry, and everything would have been so different. But I was stubborn and she had been hurt too many times to put herself out there again. And I never saw her or spoke to her again.

I never realised how much she impacted my life until today when someone commented on my zip lock bag of pumpkin seeds. I laughed, but inside I was crying silent tears for my long lost friend who deserved so much more than she ever had.

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Washing

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Washing

For the past 2 weeks I haven’t been able to do any washing because I was violently ill and also because it has been raining like the world was going to end.

It felt so good to finally get through my mountain of dirty clothes and sheets. I think I understand how “normal” people feel now when they go in to night clubs and stuff. I seriously got a rush from this cleanliness.

Truth

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Truth

Today I did gardening for almost 4 hours… it was amazing. I never thought I’d be the type of person that would enjoy getting my hands dirty and planting things, but I guess people change..
I made another mini succulent garden… I think I’m a little obsessed with succulents. I also planted some beans, strawberries and broccoli. Who am I becoming?

When we moved in to this house 2 months ago, I met the neighbours and I could see the panic in their eyes when I said “me and my husband are moving in next door”. I could literally see the pain as they thought “OMG. Young people.”

The lady next door has a 5 year old, and so she quickly came out and said “So, are you guys party animals?”. I could tell she was trying to sound cool but firm at the same time. I can actually relate to how she feels because I think I missed that time in my life where I love being around other young people. I have always hated teenagers, even when I was a teenager. I had a brief moment of insanity after high school when I studied for a year to become a high school teacher (what the hell was I thinking????). I think my brain was still recovering from all the damage I did to it in school.. LOL. I think I am just an 80 year old woman in a 22 year olds’ body.

Anyway, so my neighbour asked us if we were party animals… and I said “no… we work full time, and on the weekends I wake up early and do gardening and drink coffee… and take my dogs to the beach”. I think she thought I was kidding, and I half felt like just giving in and pretending that I was some houso chick that got married because I was pregnant and lived off the pension and spent my days drinking alcohol from aldi and smoking my cigarettes… But for some reason, I thought she might not believe me. I think after 2 months, she is finally convinced that I was telling the truth.

Dat ass

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I had major ass envy this morning. The girl in front of me had seriously the most mesmerising butt – it was crazy. I know I sound like a lesbian right now, but it was incredible. I finally understand why some men have this obsession with girls bums. I can see clearly now. Thank you, random citizen.

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Feel my pain

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Every time I walk through this entrance at central, I am reminded of me and my best friend from high school. I don’t know why… I think we might have come here a few times. Me and this girl were like Debbie and Sue from puberty blues.. It was a bit ridiculous.

I never had a friend like that, and I haven’t had one since. It was like she could literally feel the pain that was in my soul. I remember crying in the rain (it was all very dramatic) after someone broke my heart, and I was sitting in the mud like a 2 year old – and she came out to me and cried with me. I remember when I told her that I was so depressed that I felt like I couldn’t function and she got all choked up and said “I don’t want you to feel like that”. She made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

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Imagine

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This afternoon my sister was talking about flying a kite. It reminded me of a time in High school when a boy I had a huge crush on bought me a kite for my birthday. I remember on valentines day, I found flowers delivered to my door… I was so excited because I thought they were from him… I cried when I discovered they were from someone else. I know, boo hoo… I should have been thrilled to get flowers from anyone. I was a total weirdo. But from an early age, I was so hung up on finding my one true love… I was committed to it. Anyway… I think this commitment really got to my head, because this poor boy that I had a crush on could never live up to my expectations. And do you want to know why? Because he was a figment of my imagination. He made me feel so confused, because I would spend hours awake at night thinking about how perfect and lovely he was… But then I would see him in real life and I would be disappointed that we didn’t click. He wore those puffy white new balance joggers that dads wear… And he had a sort of wirey fur all over his body. I couldn’t get past it. I’m not a superficial person- until I met my husband, I never dated good looking boys. Ashton was the first hot guy I even ever went on a date with. Anyway- I always felt bad for this boy I liked, because it would have been extremely confusing for him … One second I liked him, and the next I was treating him like my gay best friend. When we were together, I couldn’t put my finger on why I didn’t like him… But then as soon as he would walk away, I would make myself believe that I was desperately in love with this charming, interesting man who would treat me right and give me a good life. And then he would come back and I would feel awkward. It was a confusing time in my life, and it probably was for him too. I guess I’ll never know why my mind tricked me. But sometimes when I see a cloudy sky, like the one I flew my kite in that day when I was 16… I think about how wild my imagination truly can be.

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Mugs

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My job entails that I “take general ownership of the office environment”. Some people might think that’s too much pressure, but being the boss of everything is my idea of fun. I’ve always been bossy, but I’m the oldest child so I guess I couldn’t really help it. It’s definitely a good thing, because my sister is literally the most retarded person I’ve ever met… And without my guidance I fear that she would be dead in a ditch somewhere (no offence coco, but it’s true). I think it’s important to do things in an organised way…. And my husband is always saying how I act like a crazy person with my rules and regulations. So I did an experiment. The people I work with are some of the messiest humans I’ve ever come across. My biggest peeve was that they put their dirty dishes in the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher. I figured that it was because some people threw crap in the dishwasher all messy and cluttered, it stressed people out to look at it. So a few times a day, I would rearrange the dirty stuff in the dishwasher and make it organised. Today, I looked in the dishwasher and it had worked. Everyone had placed their mugs … And there was not a single thing left in the sink.>