Scrawn

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My sister in law was in a body building competition on the weekend. She was in the bikini comp, so unfortunately I didn’t get to see her flexing her whole body- but it was fun nevertheless.

It was interesting for me, because for one of the first times in my life, I was the one that looked weird, the odd one out. Usually when you see a beefed up muscle woman in a crowd, she sticks out like a sore thumb and you can’t help but draw your eye to her. So I think I felt a glimpse of what they feel like in normal situations.

You can imagine the weird looks I got when I walked in with my scrawny arms and legs, big ass and flabby stomach- no make up, no fake tan, and greasy hair pulled up in a top knot. I felt so out of place.

It’s really taught me a lot about how even the way you look at someone can affect their whole idea of themselves. If I was someone that cared about what other people thought of my image, I probably would have left feeling pretty sorry for myself.

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Domino

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Depression is a side effect of being alive. Although I have absolutely nothing to complain about- I have a wonderful and blessed life- I often find myself being hurled in to a pit of unbearable sadness.. Set off by the most minuscule of things.

Like recently, when we thought we werent going to be approved for a home loan, I literally spent the entire day moping and feeling so bad about myself that I had to go to the bathroom and have a small cry to make myself feel better.

Depression is like a game of dominos. One push and you’re sad about one thing, then another, then another, then another and so on. I can spend a morning feeling sad about my fat stomach, but then by the afternoon it has changed in to me being sad over something embarrassing I did when I was 16.

It’s never ending- but at least it is survivable.

Want/need

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Today for one of the first times in my life did I truley feel like who I am is good enough for the rest of the world. I’ve gotten to the stage where I just kind of got over trying to make everyone like me – so I no longer care what people think of me. People are either going to love you or hate you, and the sooner you accept it, the happier you are.

So today I was invited out for drinks after work with everyone. And when I stood up to leave at 2.30, they literally all said “no ! Don’t leave!”. I think they meant it too. So when I left 2 hours later, I walked home with a smile on my face.

There’s a guy at my work and I think he has severe depression- I want to ask him about it but he is very private and I think it would make him uncomfortable. Maybe next time we all go out, if he is there, I’ll tell him i want him to stay.

It certainly does the trick when you feel WANTED and not NEEDED.

Gorilla in my room

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I go through phases where I am obsessed with things- ideas. Recently I stayed up til almost 2am researching borders between countries that cause conflict. Like the one between north and South Korea, and they literally can’t even agree on a border… So when they want to have meetings with each other they literally go in to a building that has a LINE between in, and sit at a table that is placed exactly on the border so they don’t have to cross in to the other side for a meeting . Cray.

I could bore you all day with the things I get emerged in… Polygamy, polyandry, kidnapping, Muslim culture, inbred relationships. It’s really weird and it drives my husband crazy because sometimes I’ll wake him up in the middle of the night with a new fun fact: “babe! Did you know that before toothpaste people would bite on carrots ?”.

So my obsession lately is dreams… Nightmares, and if they mean things. I’m unsure of what I, as a Christian, should be believing here though. I probably need to do a lot more research.

I was talking to my boss about dreams that felt real, and I recalled a time when I was very young … It’s probably one of my first memories. It’s funny because I always thought it was just a dream- but I still think about how real it was and I wonder if it was partially real.

So I was young enough to be in a cot with the side bit down. I remember because I was playing with the fence part. Then this massive creature came in to my room- it was like a gorilla but it wasn’t scary. He was big and soft. He picked me up out of the bed, walked me over to the corner and put me on his lap and cuddled me. I remember feeling like it was fine, but I pretended to be asleep just incase. The gorilla man sat with his legs crossed, me cradled in his arms for a while until he put me back in to the bed and tip toed out.

I couldn’t let go of it for years. I remember asking my dad if he had come in to my room when I was asleep and held me in his arms for a while… Like I dunno, a bonding thing (I am the first born so I am a prized possession, no offense Chloe and Jared). But he always said no… He wouldn’t want to wake me up and he was a heavy sleeper.

I know this sounds so dumb and so crazy… But it was literally so real. Sometimes when I put my head on a fluffy pillow I feel like I’m back there.

Reoccurring

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As a child, I used to have these 2 reoccurring dreams that would frighten me to my very soul as soon as I drifted in to it.

The first one I remember like I was literally experiencing it in real life. My family was visiting our cousins in Coffs Harbour – and the entire ground was made out of those springy gymnastic mats. We were all playing in the bush when a giant came and kidnapped us. It was so frustrating because we couldn’t run properly, so we had to jump. I was jumping away with my mum when I turned around and saw the giant holding my sister in his hand. She was crying and he had his mouth open like he was about to drop her in to his huge mouth. I was trying to scream and tell my mum but my voice was only a whisper and so we were still running. It was always at that point that I would wake up- right before my sisters imminent death. I would get so frustrated every time I felt myself drifting in to that dream, because no matter what, I couldn’t change it.

I had this other one where my bed would float up out of my room and out of my house, like a magic carpet. I would look down at my sister sleeping in her bed and my baby brother in his cot as I drifted away. I always knew how the dream would go, so I thought maybe if I pretended to be asleep before my bed got to the destination, it would be ok. My bed would land inside this mansion and spin around before it stopped… Every time I see a roof with a pattern it reminds me of it. I’ll never forget it. Then, a family of apes would come and try to kidnap me. Id run for my life around the mansion and trip over and get lost until, eventually, always, the mother one would catch me and carry me back to my bed. Then they would drag me in to the lounge room, and they would sit around me in a circle and look at me. Then my bed would fly away, and they would freak out and scream. My bed would float back in to my room and id wake up shortly after landing.

Follow the leader

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I was sitting in the park today, shoes kicked off, head back… Basking in all the sun rays- when I noticed an old Chinese man looking at my bare feet. I thought maybe he had a foot fetish like a lot of Chinese men did back in the day- so I let it slide and quickly crossed my legs and hid my feet under my thighs.

I mean, maybe I shouldn’t have made assumptions.. That was a bit racist of me I suppose. But you should have seen the way he was looking at my feet- his eyes gleamed in a longing, excited way.

I was pretty involved in my phone at this stage, but when I looked up I noticed that he had shyly taken his shoes off. He had placed his feet gently on top of his shoes like he was waiting for me to approve of this. So I just looked and smiled… Trying to be polite and give this man the validation he needed. I guess it was enough because shortly after this, he waddled over to the grass, barefoot and just stood on the soft ground for a while.

It’s funny how some people are leaders and others are followers. It made me think that maybe, the world needs people like me… Followers need a leader to show them that it’s ok to take your shoes off, let your hair down and chill the heck out.

Compromise

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I have a lot of time to think during my commute.

I was thinking about how amazing it is that Ashton and I are both so happy at the exact same time. For our entire relationship, one of us was always sacrificing happiness for the other. When Ashton first moved to Helensburgh from Coffs Harbour, he hated it. It was a far cry from his life up north. He hated his job and his crappy car. He hated how little money he made at a job that he worked his ass off at. He was totally screwed every which way. But I was happy as ever. Even though my job as a nanny didn’t pay well (or anything basically), I loved my home, I loved the baby I looked after and I loved being so close to my family.

Then the tables turned and I had to sacrifice my happiness for Ashton’s… In newcastle. He got offered the job of a lifetime, and even though it turned awfully sour because of a few crazy people, Ashton had complete joy for a few moments . He was paid well for a job that he was fantastic at and we were able to afford luxuries that we had never dreamed of, including our trip to USA. Newcastle was a time of deep, dark depression for me. It used to drive Ashton crazy how sad I was, but I couldn’t help it. So every day when he got home, I would wipe my tears, pinch my cheeks, tell myself to buck up and walk out to my husband with a happy face that I knew he wanted to see. Because that’s what you do for your loved ones- you sacrifice happiness.

I remember once when Ashton said that we might be in newcastle for 5 years – I wanted to die. My heart fell in to my stomach because I knew that if 2 years had turned in to 5, then 5 would turn to 10 and eventually we would be living there forever and I would be sad always.

Someone asked me if I would do it all over again. I’m not someone that says things like “my regrets made me who I am today”. Because most of what I regret I believe could have been easily avoided, and hadn’t helped me grow or transform in any way possible. I’m glad that I don’t have to compromise my husbands happiness for my current job, that i just absolutely love and excel at.

Marriage is a toughy. But I love my husband and I would do anything to see him smile.